Connection. One of the core human desires to a positive life experience is the ability to connect with others. The Harvard Study of Adult Development as shared by Robert Waldinger tracked the lives of 724 men for 78 years. The study revealed four main factors for happiness. One of the factors is that good relationships keep us happier and healthier, and it’s the quality of our relationships that matter. What are the key factors that foster high quality relationships? Trust is at the heart of developing those close bonds. In taking it a step deeper, how is trust developed? While honesty is an obvious component, another less obvious component lies in the shadows: vulnerability.
vul•ner•a•bil•i•ty (noun)- the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally
Just reading the definition alone makes me want to grab my protective armor and be on guard. Our culture greatly values and reinforces an inner desire to always project strength. Strength does not lend way to being harmed or attacked. Emotional vulnerability requires us to remove our shield and show our true self. An intriguing element of human nature is that we desire to see vulnerability from others, but we do not want to be vulnerable ourselves. Vulnerability creates a sense of likeness as we can identify having had the same struggles as others or having made some of the same mistakes in life. We form natural connections with people through identifying likeness and experiencing empathy. It is exceedingly difficult to establish these things when vulnerability is removed from the equation. While we are not going to delve into this aspect today, it is worth mentioning being too vulnerable is equally as prohibitive in fostering deep relationships. The common motivator for too much vulnerability tends to be from those who are attempting to have unmet needs filled; commonly known as energy vampires. Balance is key.
I have struggled to be vulnerable most of my life due to my drive to achieve perfection. Being vulnerable and allowing people to see my messy, my uncertainty is counter intuitive to feeling secure in displaying perfection. It didn’t seem as though I could impress without some editing or unless I only showed a certain side of myself to the world. I was drawn to the vulnerability of others but repulsed by my own. I have been working to come to terms with letting go of whether people judge me. The fear of vulnerability was one of the things I had to free before beginning this blog. What would others think about my life or my experiences? I’m not the same person I was years ago. What would the people who knew me in my younger years think of me today?
Upon reflecting on the close friendships I’ve established in the recent past I identified one core element which facilitated these beautiful connections to form: vulnerability. With that in mind I pushed aside my ego stepping out in good faith to show bits and pieces of my real self to the world, frequently reminding myself to be brave. For me, being vulnerable feels like one of the bravest actions I can take. If vulnerability is unnatural to you try pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, let your armor down, expose some of your true self to someone who needs or deserves to see it, and then observe the results yielded from those encounters. Brave deeply through your own uncertainty into a place of discomfort for that special place is where magic happens. The effects of your effort will not disappoint! Thanks for stopping by!
Peace & Love
Janessa