Back in 2005 I had a delightful girls’ night out at a Kenny Chesney concert. The next day, I was feeling the after effects of a late night and a long day’s work. I chose to go home after work for a nap rather than taking my normal route to the gym. I had no idea how one simple decision would alter my life. While sitting in the left turn lane just a couple blocks from my house, I saw an oncoming car driving at a high rate of speed. There were a couple of cars in front of me waiting to turn left. The first car decided she could make the turn before the oncoming car entered the intersection. She was wrong. The oncoming car swerved to avoid clipping the turning car. The oncoming car then swerved the opposite direction to correct their altered course. At this point, the oncoming car was entirely out of control. He hit the curb, swerved one last time, and in what seemed like slow motion drove across the median directly into my driver’s side door. The force of impact pushed my car out of the turn lane and partially into the next lane over. The car which had collided with me swung around coming to a rest behind my car at an angle across both the turn lane and the next lane over. This driver had gone on one crazy, wild ride and many people around him were left feeling the effects.
When our emotions are not harnessed, contemplated, and observed prior to reacting they take control leading us through an erratic, wild ride much like the driver in my story above. Emotionally proactive individuals are able to keep a sense of their values and life mission in times of emotional duress allowing them to respond in a way which is authentic to their values. Conversely, emotionally reactive individuals become a slave to their feelings as they respond to emotional stress based upon how they feel in the moment. Here are some examples of proactive and reactive characteristics:
|
PROACTIVE |
REACTIVE |
| Project into the future | See what’s immediately in front of them |
| Sees their role in the situation learning from the experience | Blame others |
| Response is a conscious decision based upon values and personal mission | Reaction based upon current conditions and the feelings elicited from these conditions |
| Independent thinker and decision maker | Dependent thinker making decisions based upon influences around us |
| “Response-ability” to choose how to respond | Projects responsibility onto others |
| Grounded to the reality of the situation | Victim without a choice in the matter |
| Carefully chooses language:
“Let’s look at our alternatives.” |
Impulsively responds with the first thing that comes to mind:
“You make me so angry.” |
| Focuses on influencers inside their control | Focuses on influencers outside of their control |
| Focuses on “be”
· I can become who I want to be · I can be more patient |
Focuses on “have”
· If I could just have more time · If I had more discipline…. |
| Inside-Out Paradigm: Choosing to be different will create change outside of ourselves | Outside-In Paradigm: What’s outside must change before we can |
As adults it can often take practice to develop proactive emotional traits unless we were taught these characteristics in our earlier development. There are several things you can do to help you have success.
- When you find yourself having a negative response about a situation make time and space to address it rather than putting it off. Avoidance often times results in those emotions building until they impulsively explode like a volcano.
- Predict problems, events, and other people’s reactions. If you foresee a situation of conflict and know you will be addressing it, you can take the time to first think through how the conversation will transpire, what you will say, and how the other person might respond.
- Upon predicting how you and the other party will respond in a situation, plan the best course of action to address it. Rehearse what you want to say, choosing your words and language carefully.
- Deter yourself from engaging in behaviors or using language which will knowingly escalate tension or conflict.
- Personal goals. Create personal emotional goals for yourself and/or a personal mission to live by. If there is an emotional response you dislike within yourself identify your triggers and then commit to using some coping techniques the next time someone elicits those emotions within you. Being able to identify your triggers and traps gives a heavy advantage to creating different responses to those situations. As identified in the chart, proactive people focus on a personal mission. My personal mission is to focus on drawing out the best version of others and myself. In order to do so in times of conflict I have to be kind, patient, and calm among other things. It’s easier to respond calmly in the heat of the moment when we make a commitment to living by our personal mission.
We are not our feelings, moods, or paradigms. We are the self-awareness behind them. Tapping into this self-awareness will prevent us from placing our emotions at the wheel, allowing these emotions to careen our bodies wildly about, crashing into others in our path. Proactive responses keep our emotions in the backseat where we can observe them, make correction as needed, enabling us to arrive at our destination safely and securely. These characteristics were not innate for me. I can be the first to attest to the fact emotional collisions can be very arduous to clean up and are much easier to prevent than to repair the wreckage. May you all have a wonderful week of safe emotional travels. Thanks for stopping by!
Peace & Love
Janessa
Sage advice. Just being aware can make you more proactive. Im going to work on that.