Life never disappoints. When we set our sights on making some refinements in ourselves the universe obliges in giving us ample opportunities to test us or to develop those new skills. I had no intention of revisiting the topic of proactive vs reactive, but real life experiences from this past week makes it feel relevant. After writing last week’s blog, I was immediately given an opportunity to exercise being proactive. In fact, I was then given several other opportunities as the week progressed to practice being proactive; while also having a bright, brilliant soul demonstrate for me being emotionally proactive in response to a concern I expressed. The contrast in responses made it very apparent how impacting these responses are in high tension situations and how the response will vastly change the dynamics of conflict.
I drastically failed in the first circumstance to even be minutely proactive. To be painfully transparent, it was messy, emotionally charged, and I was the most reactive I have been in a very long time. (I certainly would have benefited from having emotional collision insurance coverage. Although I’m guessing if such a thing existed the premiums would be astronomical.) Admittedly, I could have done some things differently in that exchange for it to be more of a discussion and less of a disagreement.
After the situation passed, I lamented over it for an extended period of time. I exercised some amazing self-loathing and self-criticizing skills. Waste! Of! Time! All of the energy I spent on beating myself up didn’t do anything to change the circumstance or my reaction to it. However, as other situations presented themselves along the week, I was able to respond differently by executing some mindfulness and practicing those proactive skills. As I reflect on the week I feel there were times when I lost being virtuous to myself and other times when I felt like I worked pretty hard to make some lemonade out of lemons. As much as I critique and criticize myself in my striving for excellence, I simultaneously recognize I also need to give myself some grace and self-forgiveness. I think at some point in time we all are in a position where we view ourselves with this dichotomous perspective. Which reminds me of a tale…
When Leonardo da Vinci was painting his masterpiece of “The Last Supper” he chose a different model who he thought perfectly represented his vision for each man in the work of art. He particularly wanted to find models whose faces would accurately express the individual they would be representing. Leonardo took this on as no meager project. Eventually, after years of searching, Leonardo had the entire picture painted with the exception of Judas. Upon endless searching in the streets, Leonardo decided he would only be able to find the appropriate model to represent Judas in prison. His visit to prison yielded him with a model to suffice his visions and aspirations. This model sat perfectly still throughout the session allowing Leonardo to finish his painting. Once Leonardo was finished, the model walked over to the painting and took in the completed masterpiece. In doing so, he began to weep. Leonardo inquired as to why he was having such an emotional response. The model responded “Master, do you not recognize me? Many years ago I sat for you while you painted Jesus.”
When life is messier than you want it to be, when your emotions are raw and real, when you react instead of thoughtfully responding, when you are pushed to your limits and go over the edge, when you feel like you’re failing more than you’re succeeding, do you see the positive in yourself (your Jesus) or do you only see your struggles (your Judas)? According to Tom Rath, studies by Gallup indicate people who focus on their strengths everyday are three times more likely to report having an excellent quality of life. It can be difficult to focus on strengths if one’s vantage point is only identifying their struggles and weaknesses. If this alone does not motivate you to cut yourself some slack then let’s look at further research. In 2003, the Journal of Personality published a 23 year study conducted in New Zealand of 1000 children. The study revealed a child’s observed personality at age three shows remarkable similarity at age 26. This is not to say we cannot make changes to ourselves, but we should be sure to approach this endeavor with reasonable expectations. These changes take time, attention, effort, and skill practice. It’s a process, not an event. As you go through this process, please see your positive traits when you look in the mirror. Let go of the self-condemnation, self-criticism, and self-ridicule. With some forgiveness, focus on the positives, and an awareness to continued efforts of your goals you will be able to begin to embrace those new traits while also feeling successful with a higher quality of life along the way.
And remember, we reflect onto others the same sentiments the voice in our head plays on a reel. If we aspire to speak words of kindness to others, we must first start by being kind with ourselves. In closing, I will leave you with a poem by Peter Dale Wimbrow, Sr which was shared with me in the not so distant past by a dear and wise friend.
“The Man In The Glass” When you get what you want in your struggle for self And the world makes you king for a day Just go to the mirror and look at yourself And see what that man has to say. For it isn’t your father, mother, or wife Whose judgment upon you must pass The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life Is the one staring back from the glass. He’s the fellow to please—never mind all the rest For he’s with you, clear to the end And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test If the man in the glass is your friend. You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years And get pats on the back as you pass But your final reward will be heartache and tears If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.