It was an un-noteworthy Thursday, with the exception of having several internal promptings to not stay at my house that evening. Normally I follow my intuition without much question because it’s always guiding me to good things, but for some reason on this day I let my ego get in the way. I reached out to a friend to see what they were up to that day. If it was a chill day for their household, I was going to inquire about crashing the night with them.
However, our conversation went in a different direction with the day’s current events, and I didn’t reveal my true intention of asking about their schedule. I quickly talked myself out of pursuing the other multiple individuals who had made offers of welcoming me into their homes at any time I needed for any length of time. I checked in with myself and determined I was not depressed, I was not isolating, and there was no real reason to stay elsewhere.
I didn’t sleep well at all that night. Right before going to bed someone I did not know reached out to me on social media with information about the d_h_mazer account. This information weighed on my mind and my thoughts continued to ruminate on the information and of questions I still didn’t have answers. When I fell asleep it was for only short durations of time, and I spent more time awake than asleep until 1:30 am. If only I had stayed up for another 45 minutes the night would have gone so differently. Due to my restless sleep, when I finally fell asleep, I was on the couch very near the front door. Perhaps the worst place to be on this particular night.
The doorbell rang. But was that really the doorbell? In my foggy, sleep deprived, yet sleep filled state I couldn’t tell if it was a dream I was waking up from or reality I was awaking to. I didn’t move as I was trying to come to the realization of whether I needed to actually be awake or if I could drift back into a much needed slumber. The latter sounded so much more appealing.
The doorbell rang again. Holy crap, that’s really the doorbell, this is not a dream at all! I very quietly moved from where I had been lying to grab my glasses, phone, and a protective device. My heart was racing and so was my mind. I was instantly scared, panicked, and trembling. My legs went weak. I questioned who possibly could be at the door as the clock told me it was 3:05 AM. As quietly and stealthily as I could, I scurried down the stairs to the basement, unsure my legs would support me with each step. At this point my loving, gentle dog is in protective mode growling and barking to let me know what I had finally realized for myself. There must be an intruder at the door.
I hid in the basement as I unlocked my phone to call 911. In hindsight I believe there is an emergency service shortcut on my phone, but having never had to use it and not in a state of being able to think clearly it didn’t cross my mind. I pressed send on my call to 911 only to be met with an additional verification screen. I could see the words about emergency services, but I could not read nor compute what it wanted me to do. I just wanted to be connected to 911 as soon as possible. Why is this so hard? Why is it so confusing? This could be life or death. My heart was racing at an uncontrollable speed and so were the thoughts in my head that made no sense. I randomly touched the screen where I was certain the call would be connected, but the entire phone app closed. How could I not even place a 911 call in such a time as this?!
Thankfully I noticed someone had text me two minutes before with a message apologizing for waking me. I immediately called them. Unsure how they were going to thwart the intruder that was at my door and who had been pounding on the door for what felt like hours at this point, but they seemed to be my only lifeline at the moment. As I began covering my windows so no one could see in if they began moving around the exterior of my home, I struggled to comprehend this individual telling me the cops were at my door because they had called them. My mind had gone into complete survival response and had not even for a single second considered HELP might have been at my door in the middle of the night.
Even after hearing this I wasn’t convinced. The individual on the phone gently coached me to answer the door. But I just had to be certain. I went back upstairs and moved to the blinds, slightly separating a space just big enough to peer through. I was met with a flashlight straight in my eyes. I couldn’t see anything. It could still be anyone. Although the flashlight in the face seemed like a real police tactic to use. I moved to the door and felt deep apprehension as my hand moved, shaking and trembling, to the doorknob. I took a deep breath and cracked the door open seeing two police officers outside.
My legs went weaker than they were moments earlier. My panic increased, the shaking intensified, my heart was pounding out of my chest, my stomach in knots. If help was at the door, why didn’t it feel like help was at the door?!?
They asked me a few questions and shared that a concerned loved one had reason to believe there may have been a prowler on my property. They had secured my property and were concluding their welfare check by making contact with me. Through my fear, panic, and confusion I thanked them as quickly as possible and shut the door.
I sat down and attempted to calm down. It felt like ice cold blood was coursing through my veins as I shook and trembled my way through the massive adrenaline dump and fight or flight response. I had a few previous instances over the past couple of months where law enforcement was behind me in traffic which had also triggered panic attacks at the time, but nothing like this. And I had been in much more life-threatening events on the job in the past and remained cool, calm, and collected. I no longer recognized this version of myself.
I was happy to know that the possible prowler wasn’t actually at my house, and everything was safe. As the adrenaline rush passed, I realized I had not given any relevant information to the police officers when they were here, so I contacted dispatch to follow up with the responding officer. I also text a friend as we began to move into the dawning hours of morning asking them to call when they could. I never thought I would calm down enough to fall asleep, but I did. During my brief slumber I missed the hour long attempt this friend made to reach me. I also missed the message they sent saying they were on their way over to check on me.
As I stirred from my nap, I heard someone attempting to enter my home, and when the deadbolt stopped them, they began pounding on the door. WAS THIS THE PROWLER?! Did they come after all? How is this happening? I was still in the same place I had been when my doorbell rang in the middle of the night, so I crept to the window. In the daylight I could see the end of this person’s vehicle, breathing a huge sigh of relief. I knew them. It was safe. I’m blessed to be loved and cared for, and this was showing me the triggers I had left to heal. I’m thrilled to say my healing efforts have been successful, and the last time I saw police cars in traffic it didn’t phase me a bit.
But this wouldn’t be the last time I was triggered and filled with fright from something unexpected.
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Peace & Love,
Janessa