This week brought a very unexpected experience which has prompted a great deal of internal questioning about us as humans, society, and mortality. There I was washing my bike in front of my garage while my boyfriend played with the dog. Picture perfect suburban bliss. Due to several factors involving road construction and detours, two women met in front of my driveway. One of them I knew and the other I did not. I heard the woman I know share with the woman I did not know some very unfortunate details surrounding the death of a friend of theirs. This death had occurred hours earlier in the day.
As I watched the woman receiving the news be enveloped in grief and disbelief I stood there as lost as any human could possibly be. Should I hug them, but would they smell me? (I had just finished working out.) Should I give them space? Since I did not know the woman who had passed, would it be rude to interject myself into their exchange? Would they prefer to have some privacy for their grieving in the comfort of my home? I had no idea what to do to lessen their pain or increase their level of comfort.
Upon reflecting on the situation I came to understand my hesitations and lack of an immediate response tied directly to the news of death. The topic of death is often an elephant in the room. While we all face this inevitable fate one day, our society and culture has an aversion to discussing our mortality. In fact, it is the leading source of uneasiness, discomfort, and apprehension in conversation. If the topic had been anything other than death I’m certain I would have logically realized people in emotional overwhelm have dulled senses. Therefore, my post workout miasma wouldn’t have been given any head space by the two women in my presence. I’m also much more confident in my abilities to console and support in crisis-like situations which do not involve death. But why have such a strong aversion to something we all will succumb to one day?
Discussing death lends way to a metaphysical stew of topics including philosophy, psychology, religion, anthropology, and sociology. These topics can be quite heavy to fit into a polite discussion of afterlife beliefs or whether quality or quantity (longevity) of life is more valuable. Consoling the bereaved comes with walking a fine line of trying to offer what someone else needs in the moment (while sometimes having no idea what their need truly is) and living by the golden rule of treating others how we want to be treated. Trust me when I say doing either of those two options is better than doing nothing at all.
I have spent some time this weekend thinking about what conversations I would like to have with my elderly grandparents while I can still have them. I’ve considered how I will respond the next time a close friend experiences loss. I’ve debated what better way I can respond the next time I witness unexpected grief. I encourage you to find out what your parents’ wishes are for their memorial services, what preferences your significant other has regarding their care if they had a major medical emergency, or what your friends view as their purpose to live out in this lifetime. Opening the door to these conversations is one small step we can all take to change the cultural aversion Americans hold with the topic of death.
In closing I will leave you with two reminders:
- We are not promised another breath. Live life by your virtues and make it the most fulfilling experience you could ever have. Say ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ to the people in your life whom you value. If you find yourself with regret, do what you need to reconcile it.
- As suicide rates continue to increase be mindful to check on those who are enduring hard times. While celebrity suicides always make the news, these instances are not isolated to the rich and famous. Having some of those tough conversations regarding death could change someone’s life!
Peace & Love,
Janessa