Real life requires real talk. The old me would not have had the courage to share not only this journey, but the lowest of lows along the journey. Today I share these details to inspire: inspire hope for your own healing, to demonstrate the reality of what is possible when we choose ourselves day after day, to inspire normalizing mental and emotional health, and to inspire your own rising from whatever challenges you have been facing. This blog is about my rising, but rising often comes from a really low place.
While I much prefer a glass half full, positive, and optimistic approach, the reality of what we had been going through eventually took its toll. The pain cut deep. Real deep. Mental and emotional health is vital to life. It should not be shamed, hidden, judged, or be viewed as a sign of weakness. And so I am choosing to transparently share the hardest segment of this journey and give credit where credit is due to those who carried me through the portions of the journey when I was not able to walk alone.
I will likely never forget November 8, 2022. It was the day I cracked and crumbled in a way I’m not sure I’ve experienced before, and I’ve experienced some hard and traumatic things in my life.
Both Travis and my birthdays were the prior week, and most of my birthday I spent grieving, in tears, completely disenchanted by where I actually was in life right now compared to where I thought I would be at this age. It seemed to be a steady decline in my mindset from November 1st until the 8th, and on the 8th I found rock bottom.
The financial situation also reached its culmination at this time when Trav’s credit card was closed and no line of credit could be obtained. In repeating traumas there is a point where you reach your tipping point, your threshold. While the closing of the credit card may have been insignificant compared to the other traumas we had experienced and traversed, it was my final straw.
For my astrology loving friends, November 8th was the lunar eclipse, and it was in all my signs. I don’t believe in coincidences so I’m sure this also influenced what felt like both a death and birth all at the same time and was filled with incredible emotional pain.
I went for a run that evening. The weather was unusually warm and running, exercising, and moving is one of the most therapeutic self-healing gifts I can give myself. Despite the unusual warmth, I can remember being chilled to the bone as I was putting on my shoes to leave. I thought running would lighten the load and renew my spirit. The opposite happened. I was a half mile in when the flood gate of tears began. I kept running.
My fellow running friends know how hard it is to run through tears, and I also know how much they understand the apparent reality of the one response to this situation: run anyway. After all, that was the point of the run in the first place…release; healing. I ran for another mile through tears, the snot, and the audible sobs while gasping for breath.
I. Couldn’t. Keep. Going.
But it wasn’t just my run I couldn’t keep continuing. I didn’t know how to keep moving ahead as we had up to this point. Rarely do I ever run with my phone, but I made the unusual decision to do so that evening. I was in a desolate area on a sidewalk alongside a barren road with the exception of a fire station across the street, and I dropped to my knees. I called SammiJo and prayed no one from the fire station would notice or hear my presence.
Asking for help had not been my strength prior to this year, but I was getting better and better at it. In this moment, I was beside myself. Through the tears and being so weak and distraught all I could say is ‘I’m not okay’. It’s the first time I had admitted it—to myself and out loud–since all of this began. In reaching out and opening myself to receive support, I actually had no idea what I actually needed.
SammiJo offered to come over, to support me with energy work, to give me a hug, to sit with me while I cried. I had no idea what I needed, but in the moment none of those things seemed as though they could even begin to scratch the surface.
I had done my best to be a pillar of support for Travis up to this point. I wasn’t flawless. In the past, my periods of wobbling would last perhaps a few hours or a day or two at the longest. Conveniently, up until this point, when I wobbled Travis was strong, and he was there to encourage and console. However, this time we were both hitting a place of rock bottom together. We were both empty with nothing to give ourselves let alone anyone else.
I remained in this place of wobble for about a month. Exhaustion adding to the stress. Would I ever sleep through an entire night again? It was hard to greet the new day when morning finally broke the sky. Daylight grew less and less which added to the darkness I was feeling in my heart and mind. I did my best to be diligent in reframing the discouragement: turning ‘why me’ into ‘why not me’, flipping ‘are we ever going to get through this’ into ‘look how far we’ve already come’, and exchanging the belief that ‘my long-term leave was conceding to my weakness’ into ‘accepting the strength it takes to honor yourself with compassion and take a break when it’s needed’.
October 21st had been the last day of physically working for the Department of Homeland Security. As the days passed by it was becoming more apparent returning to the job was extremely out of alignment. But finances were a real concern and feeling as though I wasn’t “together” enough to work created more internal pressure and discord. What does “have it all together” even mean anyway? This was just an internal standard I was holding myself to and I knew being able to be honest with what was happening would alleviate this internal pressure I had placed upon myself.
I began writing this story in November. I greatly enjoy writing and had believed the passion I have to share this story would allow the words to readily and easily flow from me. This was one of the most unrealistic expectations I held. Retelling the story meant reliving the trauma. I thought I had healed most of the trauma as we traversed it and was shocked at the amount of trauma which remained as I began typing.
It would take hours to write one page. I struggled to stay seated long enough to even begin. I would get food and soothe my emotions as I ate attempting to numb myself. I would get agitated and moody. I would pace. And once I finally began typing actual words into sentences, the tears would leak from my eyes while the pain rose, weighing heavy in my chest.
Is this the new normal? From somewhere deep within my being I heard a feeble but resolute voice: NO! Keep going one day at a time and give yourself space to heal. November was a long, slow month of deep inner work and healing. Writing was challenging but brought enormous freedom to the emotional pain I was carrying. The pain I had unknowingly hidden away in an attempt to be strong for myself and others.
I most certainly didn’t heal alone. I have been blessed with some of the most incredible, beautiful, supportive, nurturing, gentle, and compassionate friends and colleagues. Time and again I was being shown what I needed would appear right when I needed it.
Thus, it’s important to give credit where credit is due because without these beautiful souls who may have not realized at the time, they were my very own Dream Team, I honestly don’t know how many months or years it would have taken to get to where I am today!
SammiJo (SJ) with Crystalline Currents. The most amazing soul sister, best friend, business partner (Stronger Together Relationship Coaching), and healer any person could ever ask for. She supported Travis, me, and even our dog every step of the way. She deserves so much more credit and accolades than what is here, but I cannot find the words to properly express what I feel in my heart for this woman.
Fyonna with a Wellthy You. Fyonna and I had trained together and got to know each other very casually through our energy psychology training. A mutual friend had suggested I reach out to Fyonna to inquire about another modality she had incorporated into her practice. Neither this friend nor Fyonna had any idea what I was going through at the time. Fyonna has been a huge blessing to me and worked with me for three months before even knowing of my circumstances. All the while effectively assisting in my healing and keeping me moving forward through the depths of my pain. She’s that good at what she does, she doesn’t even have to know all the details of what you’re going through.
Jen with Jen Poulson Coaching. Business Coach extraordinaire and endeared colleague. Jen introduced me to and encouraged me to train in the Simply Aligned Method which has taken my healing, services, and businesses to an entirely different level. Her impact in pivoting my business to create offerings which deeply align with the experiences I’ve lived has been a game changer. All the while holding space for my healing, teaching me compassion, tenderness, and self-acceptance.
Marsha with The Healing Art. Another Simply Aligned colleague whose gentle spirit and healing sessions were instrumental in getting through specifically the silence and to a space of choosing quiet and stillness. She assisted me in cultivating an inner peace my mind could not conceive was actually attainable and maintainable throughout such a challenging life event.
Bryon Bratt with Renewing Hope. Therapist and an Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) certified practitioner. He honored allowing me to bring all of the tools I was trained in and combining them with his own areas of expertise. This was not the typical traditional talk therapy experience, which is what I had requested when speaking with him at the time of scheduling. I felt seen, heard, and healed each time I worked with Bryon.
Now back to the revelations we continued to discover by digging into the realities of the world’s happenings…
Lesson learned: Life is not made to go it alone. Whether you’re going through highs or lows, life is richer in spirit and emotion when shared with other beautiful souls. Build your own dream team. You deserve it!
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Follow my journey, hear more about this story, and consider all things seen and unseen on my internet radio show, ‘Eyes Wide Open’ airing every Wednesday evening at 6 pm EST/5 pm CST/3 pm PST. Listen to the replays toward the bottom of this webpage.
Thank you for praying for us, supporting us, sharing our story: givesendgo.com/travisford
GiveSendGo.com is a free Christian Crowdfunding site. They are built on the fact as Christians they know money, as helpful as it is, is only part of the equation. Their platform is designed not only to encourage Christians to raise money to make a difference in the world, but to also remind that sharing hope (through prayer submission) is even more important, as it is a lasting solution.
Peace & Love,
Janessa