Does this title feel like a loaded question? I promise I am not testing your IQ , EQ (emotional intelligence), or any other level of knowingness! Instead we are going to examine how you don’t know what you don’t know until you know, ya know? Whether it’s been the discovery of a fun kitchen gadget or discovering corn starch was the best anit-chemical ant deterrent which is safe for my dog, or the moment I realized the entire reason I never thought I could do some superhero task was due to a limiting belief I bought hook, line, and sinker at a much younger age… whatever the moment looks like that brings revelation, it is always so glorious! I will fully embrace every single ‘how did I not know this sooner?!?!’ moment I can get! Seriously, they just might be one my favorite things ever!
Here’s a fun little story about my past profession where the moment of knowingness was HUGE and adds some comedy to my life when looking back. I spent approximately five years in North Omaha working as a probation officer for high risk felony offenders. For those of you not familiar with North Omaha, the violence and gang activity during the time I worked there mirrored the infamous discord known to saturate areas such as Chicago’s south side and Compton. A normal part of the probation officer gig was conducting home visits. On one stiflingly hot June evening the particular task at hand was to execute an arrest warrant on my partner’s offender. Said offender was an active gang member who might have told a few too many “stories” about other gang activity causing said offender to be fearful of remaining in society. As a form of protection said offender chose to violate their probation terms so they could rest safely within the confines of jail. At the time probation armed us with an intensely small can of OC spray and a vest with a plate approximately twelve inches wide and six inches tall. I never took actual measurements, but it was seriously small and annoyingly hot for the minute amount of protection it actually offered. We knew going into this task the offender would fully cooperate with being taken into custody, our biggest safety concern would be from the environment around us if someone attempted a potential hit for pay back of the offender’s story telling ways (i.e. DRIVE BY), and our protective gear was entirely inadequate to protect us if something of this nature played out.
Both myself and my partner fully loved and embraced life. As a result we made an all out commitment to remain bullet hole free during our partnership’s tenure. We kinda liked each other just a little bit and felt this commitment might be a swell way to show the value we brought to each other’s life. Therefore we collaborated with Omaha PD’s gang unit and had two units assist us on the arrest warrant. Due to insurance and liabilities we could not transport a detainee to jail. Having the gang unit in tow offered us more protection (and guns because pulling out OC if someone has a gun pointed at you is just plain silly), but it also offered immediate transport of the detainee. Our plan was to pull up, go in, arrest, get out, and complete the detainment documents. It nearly went as planned. In fact, the first three steps were flawless. Things became a little tricky once we moved into the ‘get out’ portion of the operation.
As the handcuffed detainee was walking down the front steps of the house we began to hear what sounded like gunfire coming from a short distance away. In a flash all of the gang officers were gone. Every. Single. One. Our plan of having extra protection to not match OC spray to guns had quickly been foiled. As every officer ran in the direction of the gunfire, I looked at my partner and she looked at me. We were left, just the two of us and the handcuffed detainee, with a car we couldn’t use for transport. My partner and I could have jumped in the car and left leaving the detainee handcuffed and abandoned at the curb, but probably not a good idea. We placed the detainee in the back of our car and had them hunker down while we kept a very watchful eye of our perimeter. I can still remember the feelings that flooded my body to this day. The rising of my heart rate, the way time moved differently as it simultaneously sped up but slowed down, the tension in my muscles which spread throughout my body while also feeling entirely numb, and sweat. So much sweat. Or maybe it was just the vest. Anyway, after what could have been five minutes or five days because I honestly lost sense of time, the gang unit officers returned to the house. They reported the “gunfire” had only been fireworks which meant there had not been any crisis to begin with and all was well. In case inquiring minds wanted to know, the pact between my partner and I to remain bullet hole free did indeed come to fruition. High five us!
What happens when we turn the curiosity we hold for the outside world internal and ask ourselves questions about ourselves? The story about the gunshots actually being fireworks can really parallel what happens to me emotionally when I encounter situations in life where I just react rather than slowing down, getting curious about the situation, and allowing for knowingness to reveal it’s glory. Sometimes my emotions have been so strong they elicit an equally as strong fight or flight response as I experienced in North Omaha. When that has occurred my internal narration has been something similar to “Oh my gosh, I haven’t heard back from my friend. I wonder if I offended her the last time we talked? Maybe she doesn’t want to have conflict so she’s now ignoring me. If she doesn’t tell me what I did then we won’t ever have resolution, and without resolution then we won’t have a friendship. I really value this friendship so I don’t want her to think I suck. But I do suck, and I suck at friending. Ok, that’s it, if I don’t hear back from her in 2 more days it’s official..she’s severed this friendship forever because I suck.” (Insert deep breath here.)
No girl, maybe she’s just navigating a seriously stressful and busy week in her life, and I just allowed my emotions to drive me off the cliff of rationality. Why do I do that? (And then it comes, that brilliant, beautiful moment of knowingness.) I do that because I was bullied a lot as a child and saw myself as a very disliked kid. When I allow this story and limiting belief of no one liking me to continue to run in my current life, I find myself pushing people away, making up stories about how I’ve done something for them not to like me, and jumping off a cliff of emotional despair. In having the beautiful moment of revelation I realize how the past experience creates my present day. I then can discipline my mind to stop the story before I ever reach the edge of the cliff and create something different for myself. The best way for me personally to achieve this is to be curious and inquire within rather than letting my thoughts run away with themselves. Boy am I happy I have been able to discipline my mind because it used to be exhausting going through all of that narration in my head. I don’t doubt it was exhausting for people to be friends with me because of it too.
Sometimes getting curious doesn’t yield an instantaneous answer. Sometimes we have to sit back and wait on the tortoise to cross the finish line for the message to be revealed. Sometimes we have to ask more than one question to get to the revelationary information stored deep inside of us. One great technique is super simple and effective. It’s known as the “5 Whys”. Once you ask yourself a question and your thought gives you an answer, continue to ask ‘why’ five times. It might only take three whys or it might take nine, but when you finally reveal the knowningness you are seeking you will be able to feel it. Whenever we ask it is given.
Maya Angelou taught us to “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” May your week be filled with curiosity, knowingness, and capped off with a healthy dose of doing better! Thanks for stopping by.
Peace & Love,
Janessa
