There’s one resounding theme which repeats over and over in this story. We were never ready or prepared for what we were about to experience next.
While Travis was clearly stressed, anxious, sometimes paranoid, and saying he was lacking sleep is a massive understatement, he was remaining very composed throughout this crazy journey. In fact, I didn’t know how he was managing to traverse the situation with as much composure as he was. Signing the plea agreement changed all of that.
Travis came home with his signed copy of the plea agreement, was clearly in shock, and was somewhat despondent, distant. He was speechless. Asking him questions about the encounter was clearly forcing him to relive the trauma.
And then he hit his knees on our bedroom floor and broke down. Of all the duress he had experienced to this point throughout the situation, it was the self-betrayal of taking the plea agreement which broke him. In tears and disbelief, he crumbled as he lamented the worst lie he ever told in his life just made him a felon and is causing him to face years in prison.
If there is ever a moment when you want to scream to the world THIS IS NOT FAIR, I assure you this is it! But remember, a condition in the plea agreement bound Travis to never deny guilt. That condition kept us in a position of choosing silence. Not even talking with family about anything in this case that might jeopardize the plea agreement. Travis’s parents and my parents knew of the charges, but they didn’t actually know the details. I wrestled with the fact my story and my involvement in this was not technically Travis denying guilt, but if the plea agreement was pulled because I started sharing my story, I would have never been able to live with myself. Screaming to the world was simply not going to happen for quite some time to come.
I’ve worked with a large number of guilty defendants during my career. They would justify their choices, minimize their crimes and behaviors, and some would constantly contradict themselves. In my experience, self-betrayal was not something expressed by those who have committed the crime.
Travis was rocked and in deep despair. When I asked him if he was suicidal he said he was not, but he did not want to be left alone which is telling in itself. He admitted he was not in a solid mindset and self-harm was not a distant thought, so when I had commitments and appointments he wanted to go to a coffee shop or public place so he would never be alone. He looked at me and said “They have taken everything from me, are they going to take my soul too?”
This moment is seared into my memory as if it just happened moments ago. The severity of his loss had been revealed in this moment, and I am a big believer and protector of the soul. It is ours and no one has domain over it without us relinquishing it to them. It was time for me to get to work. I had worked with two youth who had dealt with suicidal ideation and was very successful in a short amount of time with them. Travis might not sit through a formal session with me, but I was going to use every tool available through my trainings to support him psychologically through this process. And I called my best friend, colleague, and business partner, SJ, so we could tag team supporting him mind, body, and soul. Don’t forget about her because she is an unsung hero in the story, and there will be more about her in the future.
Of course there was more to deal with then only being on the brink of self-harming behavior. He slept with a light on when he managed to get any sleep and awoke with severe panic attacks. His anxiety was the highest I had ever seen it. He was depressed. He barely ate anything, and many days I prompted and encouraged him to drink water.
I know I said this in the very first blog post, but without being trauma informed and trained to heal severely traumatic events I don’t know where we would be today. I don’t know how we would have gotten through this. I don’t know how we would be better and not bitter. I don’t know how we would see opportunity amidst the heartbreak. Energy work may be holistic, alternative, woo-woo, unproven… I believe it is life-saving.
At least he had his job to give him purpose and something else to think about during the day. We also began walking together every day. It gave us endorphins, helped expel the anxious energy, and gave us a chance to process everything that was going on.
This would all get a lot easier as soon as he had the official hearing to enter into the plea agreement on June 16th which was less than a week away. That’s what we were telling ourselves. We were wrong. It would be yet another wave of horror, trauma, and completely and utterly blindsided.
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Peace & Love,
Janessa