"It takes two to speak the truth--one to speak and another to hear." --Henry David Thoreau
I was recently having a conversation with a friend who shared a current struggle she was facing. As is often the case, as someone is speaking we listen with the intent to reply rather than to hear what is being said. As someone talks, I am often formulating a response which includes the “perfect” solution for someone else’s problem or a series of questions which will encourage them to explore their situation from a different angle. With the given struggle my friend was having I had nothing to offer. It was not only a situation I had never been in before, but also one I couldn’t parallel to any of my own life experiences. Instead of probing or solving I sat and just listened. This space felt odd for me. I felt as though I was failing my friend; not because I was but because I was not providing the actions I deemed would be recognized as support. When she was done expressing her concerns I owned the fact I had nothing to offer in return other than to listen. Her response to me was magical: “It’s okay. That’s all I needed anyway.”
We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say. --Zeno of Cittium
I have studied the work of Carl Rogers who explored the skill of active listening. I also trained communication techniques over the course of my career and advised others on the effectiveness of building rapport by merely listening. Just think of the last time someone did not listen to you and likely the feelings from the experience will quickly come back to the surface. The feelings elicited when not being listened to are never positive ones. Understanding the importance of listening is easy, but putting it to practice can be much more difficult than it sounds. When I see someone I deeply care about experiencing hardship or anguish I innately desire to ease their discomfort by providing them with resolve. However, if I am the one in conflict I
rarely want someone to solve my problems for me. Instead I want to be heard and understood, and I want to have the opportunity to explore within myself to find the best solution for my situation. My friend’s acceptance of my mere listening was a great reminder to return to the basics of communication, friendship, and fundamental human interaction. To listen is to understand and to understand is to love. What a beautiful and easy way to shine love into someone else’s life. May your ears be utilized more than normal this week and the love be felt by all of those around you!
Peace & Love,
Janessa