I hope you had a wonderful and delightful Thanksgiving! My family has had a long standing and cherished tradition of turkey, bowling, football, and loved ones. One of the things I am most thankful for is my family, but time spent together hasn’t always been the easiest thing for me to embrace. Family has a very powerful effect of unintentionally identifying the things within us we need to heal, and before I understood this concept I found family encounters would leave me worked up or upset. Learning what my family was showing me and empowering myself to tackle those internal issues head on has allowed me to now have the time of my life with my loved ones. How did I figure out how to make this transition? One of my favorite things–a book!
Byron Katie shared her brilliant insight to living life in harmony in her book “Loving What Is” where she shares how she chooses not to argue with reality. She attests when she argues with reality she loses–but only 100% of the time. This book was a major impetus for my own personal growth in seeing myself and reality for what it truly is. Most days I love it but some days days I cringe. Life goals though–one day I will reach a place where I can truly love what is no matter what is. Curious to know more? If so, I certainly encourage you to give the book a read for yourself, but in the meantime I’ll share what I took from the book as well as some of the insight I have garnered from applying it to my life.
One of Byron Katie’s ideas is there are three types of business: mine, yours, and God’s (we won’t get into a definition of God here as it is not applicable when applying the philosophy of staying out of business which isn’t yours; for the sake of this blog feel free to interpret this through whatever way you see God to be for you). Frequently when we have thoughts or beliefs about life or people needing to be different, we hold these beliefs in misunderstanding. Rarely when we have thoughts of beliefs about life or people needing to be different are we staying out of God’s or other people’s business. Katie encourages us to let go of trying to verify our perception of these beliefs by instead questioning our belief. This questioning allows us to stay out of other people’s business and in our own lane. What Katie refers to as doing “the work” involves four questions and then turning it around. The questions are :
Let me give you an example of how I used this to shift my beliefs and thoughts regarding communication with my significant other. Earlier in our relationship I used to feel his communication style was highly critical. When he would give me feedback, solicited or unsolicited, I would regularly have internal dialogue going on simultaneously as he was talking with me. This internal dialogue was being driven by my ego and sounded something like “Just who exactly does he think he is talking to me like this? Does he think he can just say whatever he wants in whatever way he wants whenever he wants? I do not need to put up with this. How rude!” {Using my best Stephanie Tanner from Full House voice.} Since our ego’s job is to protect us it usually has a very indignant and defensive nature; a nature which cannot be trusted for anything more than identifying what it is we need to heal in ourselves. In realizing I needed to get my ego in check and stay in my own lane I sat down with the four questions followed by the turn around to see what I would discover.
When I asked myself if it was true that my significant other’s feedback was rude my
ego first screamed “Hell yes!”. But in applying the theory of our beliefs usually being false I pushed myself to dig deeper with a more open minded approach. I then conceded to the fact he may have not intended to be rude even if my perception of his actions were to label them as rude. Moving on to the second question (Can I absolutely know it’s true?) I quickly said no and moved along as I began to see debating this issue really wasn’t going to get anyone anywhere. The third question was very beneficial to me as I looked at my own response to him when I felt he was rude. I would get very defensive and accusatory as I would assert how he should converse with me. I further realized without this thought I could actually hear and focus on the feedback he was offering which would afford me understanding of how his feedback could lead me to be more successful. Maybe, just maybe he had my best interests in mind all along after all. Lastly, when I turned it around I came to terms with the fact I am critical and rude with myself. I have always been much more critical of myself than anyone else ever could be. When I heard his words through my own self criticizing filter I wasn’t hearing his intent or his message. Instead I was hearing his words through the paradigm of the self loathing of my imperfections. Not only did this realization and understanding break through my false perceptions of my significant other’s words improving our communication, but it was also the beginning of learning to offer myself some compassion in being me, imperfections and all.
Does this mean you have to be at peace with people who lie, cheat, or steal when those behaviors do not align with your own ethical standards? The work does not mean you need to change your standards, but it will shift your reaction to and/or desire to want to change those behaviors in others. Instead of being anxious, angry, or annoyed with people for their toxic behaviors you’ll be much more likely to discern that person is not for you and you’ll find ways to stay outside their path of destruction. According to Katie, you’ll also be winning with reality 100% of the time. What could be better than that? Thanks for stopping by!
Peace & Love,
Janessa